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Dealing with 2013

January 6, 2013

It is amazing how much lighter my chest feels after my last post about my depression, and my past.

I had only dreamed it would feel this good; my biggest fear was that I’d still be bothered by negative thoughts about the past after putting myself out there in such a massive way. The HUGE outpouring of support and understanding has been simply wonderful, and I can’t thank you all enough.

During my Christmas break in New Zealand I had quite a bit of “quiet” time. Something I don’t often get, and don’t ever WELCOME as sometimes my thoughts are just too loud. But for the first time in forever, I welcomed that peace, and I took the opportunity to JUST BREATHE.

Instead of negative talk, my mind kept drifting to all of the beautiful things I have to be thankful for.

BUT, the strangest moment of peace I had was during a 1 hour screaming fit from my teething 5 month old. She was overtired, in obvious discomfort, and in an unfamiliar place.
We rocked, we danced, we fed, we sang, we swaddled, we cuddled, we stripped off pyjamas.
NOTHING offered a moments respite from her despondent wails.

Finally I lay her on her stomach, cuddled up next to her and started singing my magic song. Now, this song is nothing special, but it’s the ONLY song, when used at the point of exhaustion, that has a calming effect on little miss.
Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
And it has to be sung on repeat 😉

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But she continued to thrash and scream.
So I pulled her closer, put my lips close to her perfect little ear and whispered the song quietly.
The crying slowed to choked sobs.
Then she sighed, and was silent.
After about 12 times through the song, she was snoring peacefully under me.
It was one of the most strangely perfect moments of my life.

My moment of peace came not then, once all was quiet, but during the screaming. During the peak of the cries, as I held my little human in my arms
I was overwhelmed with the most unbelievable sense of love, of calm, and of quiet. I was reminded that this tiny person relies on me for EVERYTHING.
I was reminded that she is a BLESSING, and that one day, very soon, these moments will be gone.
I won’t always be able to hold her close, to protect her, to whisper sweet songs in her ear.

As she slumbered next to me I wrote a goal in my head.
Although I will use it for motivation this year, it is not a goal for 2013, but one for LIFE.

I will strive to be calm of mind. I will work to be a good parent. I will work towards building a bright, well adjusted human who likes her parents.
That’s all I want.
I know there will be hard times.
I get teary just thinking of the day when she says “I HATE YOU, MUM!” (because it will happen)
But at the end of the day I would hope that there is no doubt in my little girls mind that her mother loves her more than anything in the WORLD and that she can always turn to me for anything.

Every time I look at her, I’m reminded that now I have the best reason possible to get through, to push on, and to make shit happen.

2013 is our year. I can’t wait to give it my all.

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